The insanity of guilt

I love magic. There I said it. Don't ask me WHY I love it, what aspect of it intrigues me, I love it all. From the intricate devices to the cleaver subtle movements to misdirection and drawing an audience into y our world, magic fulfils my loves of gadgets and engineering, martial arts and physical training, story telling and mythology and interacting with people. Maybe that's the truth, I love magic because I love people. How can love be a bad thing? Love as we've seen in sad tales on the magic glowing box in the corner of the living room (or taking up the entire wall of the living room if you're a wee bit chavish) can be twisted or lead to insaine behavour. This is my problem today. I'm ill. not at deaths door, a mild-ish tummy bug which in turn has flared up a few joints and made movement rather awkward and very painful. As a result I've taken the day off from my one day a week job in a very lovely fabric shop. There is no need for guilt, the manager (I loathe the term manageress, it seems almost demeaning to indicate her gender, as if she needs some sort of excuse for being a woman, she is quite frankly the best manager i've had (i've only had a handfull but I can't think of anything that could be improved) anyway where was I? the Manager yes, she hired me KNOWING i'm disabled, knwoing that alittle illness can stop me going iun. heck they know my dedication to work having gone in against doctors advice after a heart truma and a head injury. BUT still I can't settle down to use the time i have productively because I enjoy myself doing magic so much, i feel like i'm cheating on them.

I've spoken to a fellow crippled friend on the matter. He points out the common belief some people have that us disabled folks SHOULD feel guilt all the time and should allow ourselves no fun, even if it'#s something that is free or as good as and in no way indicates that we would be well enough for work. This is insanity. However I feel more able to let myself practice magic by reminding myself this too is becoming a job. Also keeping my mind occupied stops me dwelling on the illness and pain, resulting in a faster recovery. So there it is folks, rationalisation. Time to hit the books in-between the peptobizmol shakes and codeine sarnies :)
This is why I blog, well I blog for a few reasons
1) To help me organise my thought (see all of above)
2) to sort of publicly set my goals, to help me focus towards them
3) to share information of books and effects I've found useful
4) To share my beliefs on the heart of magic.
5) to serve as a record of my journey through magic from only being able to do a few fuzzy effects with a joke trick deck to a working professional. Maybe one day this post will help another magician wrestling with some of their inner demons.
take care internet, I love you